mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
