We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
