and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
