He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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