Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
