i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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