so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
