Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
