Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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