She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize