Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
