A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
