Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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