You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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