He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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