He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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