your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
