I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
