So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
