dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
third nipple confirmed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
