Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
