checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
