Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
