I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
