i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
