I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
