I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
