i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
