then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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