my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
