I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm having to shit out rocks
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
