He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
