It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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