I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
