I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
