I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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