At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
