all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
