I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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