who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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