y did u give ur computer a hand job?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
