I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
