i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
