I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Pooping to opera.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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