my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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