he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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