i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
