ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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