Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
