i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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