I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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