Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
