literally had 100 drinks last night.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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