we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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